ERIN’S ADVENT; THE 12 TRUTHS OF MERRYMAS THAT COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
We have so many fraught painful thoughts of all of the things we could have would have should have done differently that keep us from doing something differently now. Most of these are prickly cactus thoughts or broken glass thoughts. We want to walk in circles around them. They are full of lies, issued from the Department of Lies and Statistics, designed to evoke pain so that the department can stay busy and keep its own bureaucracy sustained. Most HARD things, are hard because they come in a package with a list of how we should have done it better, why it was our fault, and a our worst fears about ourselves. Which makes it HARD to realize how profoundly our NOW can change everything. Changing a pattern or a coping mechanism or way of being or seeing has the power to change our emotional experience of the past and therefore the way our ‘others’ experience it, which means our actual relationships can change. When we are filled with Love we are no longer aware of loss or waste or failure. Your power right now in this freaking moment is in taking the power out of the past pain, a storehouse of blame and fear and judgment that is between you and something a whole lot better.
2. Love does not teach pain.
“GOD” is not some cranky bitch sitting on his throne doling out war and plagues in the spirit of teaching us to be grateful, and the “Universe” is not some ball of goodness being withheld from bad manifesters and purveyors of low vibrations. For a power to be “higher” which means it is not ego, or the devile, or stupid, it has to be inherently loving and therefore creates from a place of love and heals from a place of love. The ego, devile, stupid shit that happens, happens because we thought we screwed up, got really freaking scared, and opted out of Higher Help, aka Love, God, the UNI, Spirit, the Goddess, etcetera. Once we opt out, we gotta actually opt back in to stop the insanity from raining down and that is the hard part, because Shitville is a scary place, you can’t trust anyone here, and so we have forgotten to trust that there is something and someone actually outside of it that does not operate on laws of ego, fear, loss, blame, conflict and shittiness. Ya. I am not even kidding you. Not even one baby goat size kid. Also, baby goats are from heaven in case you have not watched any leaping around in their Merrymas jammies recently.
3. You’re not a bad kid (ba -a -a -a -a -a -a).
Ya so like Friday I thought I was gonna get dead, on account of a new pain in my lungs at day ten of the plague. Not good right? Plus also my toes went numb for half the day. Scary. Today I can feel my toes, and my lungs are okay! But Friday, I did some reckoning. It went like this: I can’t feel my toes and it suddenly hurts to breathe I am definitely headed to the ICU at which point my Spotify thought it would be cute to jump in with a song called “I SEE YOU”, which was bone chilling terrifying. It was my fault. I was a bad kid for actually riding the stationary bike when I had Covid, even though the doctor said it was okay at a low RPM and I kept it so low, and then there were all of the other things I did wrong. Trauma immediately evokes in us the “Bad Kid” syndrome. Covid was not my fault, and dying was also not my fault. There is no perfect way to handle any hardship or trauma, but I guarantee you when we are traumatized we internalize blame. And the only way out of that blame is a whole hell of a lot of self forgiveness. I did progress from bad kid to how to die without leaving anyone in hurt loss abandonment or pain, which I will save for another day, because I am not actually dying! For which reasons I would like to do vodka shots and have a Zoom dance party with YOU! I don’t really like Vodka or shots, but I did have occasion to binge watch Flight Attendant while I was dying of the plague, and I am willing to try it in 2021. I am working up to that level of glamour. Hey and you know what, your brain knows you aren’t bad, but your child self, well that kid needs to hear it. That child self is not impressed by your big fat old brain.
4. When we are healed we are not healed alone.
Isolation, quarantine, blah blah blah. We can hide from each other’s bodies, but we can’t hide from each other’s SOULS!!! Wow that was so deep. I have depth, Friends. I am a deep thinker and feeler. But actually. You know the stories about the monkeys and herd immunity? Well we aren’t REALLY Karens and Bobs who live separate lives and don’t affect each other. While the pandemic unites our bodies in bat spit and spikey protein devils all of the emotional and spiritual enlightenment we achieve we SHARE. Yep. Piggy back on my hard work, because I wouldn’t have it any other way, bitches.
5. The idea that we need bad to appreciate good is a bad idea.
Please tell me this is SELF EVIDENT now that I have written it out for you. The IDEA that we need bad to appreciate good, is like the fifth glass of wine telling us we need to open another bottle. I mean I am willing to adjust my ratios for Covid so like maybe the fifth bottle of wine telling you you need the sixth. That is safer hey?
6. All loss is eventually healed until loss itself is healed.
Loss along with the other six deadly shits that happen in opt-out land is healed. MAKE NO MISTAKE! I may have a foot in holiness, or Lalaland, but I am not immune to loss. I just caught the effin plague, remember? I am not holier than thou. I don’t want to lose you. Please, please, please don’t catch the freaking plague and die on me, also please don’t break up with me. But guess what, when I was dying on Friday, I could see how neatly it was all tied up. I wasn’t gonna leave anyone heartbroken, because LOSS itself was being healed, and so the whole movie plot was changing. It was all being wrapped up like the finale of an amazing sitcom. The writers prevailed. Your personal loss will heal and will be healed until loss itself is healed. And while I can’t fix it all for you today, I can hug you and cry with you until it stops fucking with you. Look, I am listening to Spotify right now and this is the freaking lyric that just played at the end of that sentence “It’s too late to change your mind, you let loss be your guide”. Things that make you go hmmmmm. Also, it’s not too late, see number one.
7. Love does not value sacrifice.
Hey you know what? To be a good person it’s important that when you really really want and care about something you give it up SAID NO LOVING GOD EVER. Sacrifice does not make us good and it does not pull the nails out of Christ’s palms. He was too freaking wise to sign us up for repentance immemorial on account of his moral high ground. That is not his message. Ya I’m getting real with all y’all. We don’t get hero cookies for sacrifice. We don’t get exonerated. We are not let out of BAD KID JAIL because we give up everything that ever mattered to us. Take down your crosses. No seriously, if they exalt sacrifice, they are not the point of Christ, so stop hurting yourself and believing in hurt already.
8. Forgiveness is a choice, until it is peace.
We haven’t forgiven when we feel peace. We CHOOSE to forgive, to override thoughts of attack and conflict and anger and hate and judgment in order that we can see truth, and that is how we negotiate peace. It doesn’t just come. We opted out. Remember? Choose it. Choose it for breakfast, with your Count Chocula cereal steeped in Chocolate milk, or if it’s Christmas with your President’s Choice Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie and Red Velvet Baileys (I know you want to date me now, right? I know how to have a good time). Choose it when you really don’t wanna. ASK for that brilliant flash of holy light that lets you know your enemy as your friend. I double dog dare you.
9. It is enough to try to try.
Holy shit, sometimes it is so HARD to try to do something that you have tried one hundred thousand times and not succeeded at. Or have back slid on. Or never really felt worthy of. No one wants that feeling. I am crying with you my friend. I don’t think you should take that on. Not with fervor or zip or zest. I think it is enough if you tippy tippy toe in the dark of night in the general direction of that scary thing for just one teeny tiny second. But do that. DO, DO that. Because sometimes THAT will take the piss out of the monster and you will make it your new fluffy hamster. For realz. Don’t hit it head on, just tippy toe on by, in your reading socks, with your cup of wine, at midnight.
10. Your worth is a gift of Love that does not need to be earned and cannot be failed.
In opt out land, where we operate on laws of fear, worth is a never ending pit of despair; it’s always attached to someone else’s ‘one up’. There is never enough in the store room. Security is as unsure as the next plague is sure. But this is the lie it’s time to upend. Even if you have a coffer full of accolades and an inbox full of appreciation, your worth is not a reflection of it. It predates your accomplishments and outdates them. You don’t have to earn it. All of those good things you do? They are just GOOD THINGS you do because you can, because you deserve to feel the joy of sharing your worth.
11. Everything we do, we do to feel.
Yep. All of it. We are emotional beings. Even the rational among us. The scientists, the big thinkers. We think for feeling reasons. We science for feeling reasons. We work and achieve for feeling reasons. We come in and go out FEELING FEELZ. So let’s just embrace this truth today. You aren’t gonna outrun ‘em, so maybe listen to them for a hot five minutes. Feelings are teachers of truth. They ask us to love a little harder.
12. Miracles are a correction of pain and suffering and as such are your right.
Miracles are miraculous in a “duh” kind of way. Like duh, it doesn’t have to feel this hard. It doesn’t have to work this way. But from the murky slime waters of pain and suffering they seem floaty and angelic and ethereal and scarcely possible. We are all entitled to miracles. We are entitled to them until the miracle feels mundane, because the wheel of ‘shit happens’ has stopped spinning shit. So join me today in claiming the fluffy feathery winged answer to prayer that says I am not this problem, I am not this plague. Have a miracle on me. And a glass of bubbly. In fact, NYE I’m gonna drink it out of the bottle and dance around in a pink dress in my living room for hours on end if anyone wants to Zoom in. I can feel my toes today and I owe it all to you. If that’s not a chart topping hit, my name isn’t Erin.
All of my gratitude and love,
P.S. 2021 I am bringing on the love. I’ll be featured in a podcast all about better loving, from healing your broken heart to intentional dating to creating a relationship that thrives, and I’ll be launching a sister site for all of you relationship and love enthusiasts, with all kinds of insights and offerings. Stay tuned!
P.P.S. One of the kindest things you can do for me is to share my writing. If you enjoyed today’s Monday Musing and know someone else who would please forward it to a friend.