Don’t say these 5 things! (5 Do’s and don’ts of supportive communication).
When someone we care about is upset it can feel, well upsetting, for so many complicated nuanced reasons. Sometimes they are upset with us and that is never fun (Miss Piggy says who, MOI?). Sometimes they are upset with us AND we may have inadvertently contributed to the problem because we may not be perfect, dammit (I know speak for yourself Erin). Or maybe we are perfect but sadly misunderstood. Sniffle. Maybe they should have understood us, but they didn’t. The nerve. The gall.
Sometimes THEY are upset because shitty things happen that have nothing to do with us but also we don’t have the bandwidth for what may be an awful terrible horrible thing, or a medium horrible thing, or a totally first grade first world petty dumb you brought it on yourself kind of problem that it wouldn’t be very nice of us to point out no matter how irritating because we’ve obviously been there ourselves. Sometimes our loved one’s problem comes pouring out of their mouth the first second we have felt sunny and peppy and on top of our little piece of the world in sooooo long and we’re like instantly agitated and also like Wah, do I have to? I just need to be perky and peppy and feel like I’ve got shit handled for as long as this ride is gonna ride. Can’t you have a thing wrong tomorrow? Or like even after 7pm? Maybe when I have at least had a chance to juj my serotonin uptake?
And all of these situations make it tempting to say the things that we should never say. That we would not want to said to us. That truly express our panic in response to their feeling monster.
Today let me introduce you to five things that you never want to say to an upset person, a reason why not, and something better to say when you feel the temptation, or frustration or consternation of dealing with someone else’s scary boo boo.
1. I am sorry that you feel upset. (I can’t help it if you’re emotional).
What’s wrong with this one, Erin? Isn’t it just the perfect way to offer an apology for whatever we have done wrong while tactfully pointing out that we have actually not done anything wrong and that whatever pain and suffering our person is going through is a them problem?
NO. WRONG. BZZZT.
Just hear me out here. When you say “I’m sorry you feel angry at me, or upset with me, or upset in general” what you are actually saying is a lovely cocktail of messages along the lines of I am not sorry at all for anything I’ve done here because I haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t have any right to feel upset with me because I have done nothing wrong and I am basically annoyed by your expression of feeling at present please make it stop.
Now to be fair, sometimes our loved one’s upset seems way off track, and also no one ever likes to be accused of anything painful or hurtful. It makes us feel like bad little kids being shamed and sent to the corner. And you know what, most of us are getting up and dealing with shit every single day and the last thing we need is someone else’s grief, or confusion, or less than sparkling appreciation of our immense efforts at being lovely, or even staying alive. Ah hell no.
Can’t the fact that we are super super nice or super hardworking or super chill or super helpful or whatever our super power just be enough to carry us? Can’t it? Do we have to be sooooorry for living *stomps feet and slams door knocking Charlie’s Angel’s poster to floor.
I am here to offer a better way, not to take on blame, but to help our loved one in such a time of need, the way we would want to be helped.
Are you sorry? If so then a sincerely offered my bad, or I dropped the ball, or a I wish I hadn’t contributed to this awful situation or I am sad that I have played a role in this shitty outcome for you will move things in the right direction.
My vote is that sorry should be a bridge to resolving hurt not a shame cap that we wear or a burden of wrongdoing we take on. It should mean “I care about your feelings and I want to show up in a way that supports you”.
Now, if you aren’t sorry, but they think you should be a better approach is “I want you to feel good and supported in our relationship, how can I help, or how can we resolve this together”.
If you’re not sorry, because they weren’t blaming you it’s straight to validation.
It’s okay to feel this way.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this (totally different message than I’m sorry you feel it). This says your feelings are real, matter, safe, and you are allowed to feel them and wishes the situation away not the feelings. Which feels so much better if you’re the one upset.
It’s also okay to say “I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish I could help but I am tapped out”. This will feel understandable to a loved one in need. It validates rather than alienates but keeps you safe from emotional overload.
2. Fine everything is always my fault/I am the bad guy/I can’t do anything right.
This gem gets thrown out often during conflict. The better way to express the feeling behind this is “I don’t want to hurt you. I feel overwhelmed by trying to understand or solve this. It’s so painful when I feel I have hurt you I don’t know what to do”.
Because the effect of saying “I am the bad guy” is to shut down the other person’s voice. It sends the message that it’s not safe to share their need or hurt with you. You should be silent or you will make me feel bad does not leave room for healthy resolution of conflict or negotiation of needs.
Again, our goal is to remove judgment and blame and wrong and right out of conversation about feelings and needs. Communication is about bridging differences and supporting one another. We don’t want to take on any combination of kid and parent in our adult relationships.
3. Have you tried my solution to your problem?
Thank you Cliff Claven for knowing it and sharing it freely. This one comes up often in conversation between friends. We all share our problems. One of the best validations I ever got from a friend was “Well you know your problem much better than I do”. And she was right. It felt a lot better than the armchair advice that we feel compelled to give when we are uncomfortable with someone’s feelings or sharing. An easy clarifier here if you’re not sure whether advice is being asked for is “Are you looking to vent or for advice”. When your friend has tried 3861.2 remedies for their chronic headaches and is at their wit’s end, being told to just use cranberries harvested under a blood moon, infused with grandma’s tonic while reciting affirmations from Louise Hay and working on their vibrational essence ‘cause it worked so well for Tommy’s cousin Mary, may not feel encouraging. In fact it may feel insulting, parental, carrying a subtext that says you haven’t tried enough or done it right, I know better than you, you’re broken or maybe you just bring it on yourself. YUCK. Much better to look at your friend through the lens of “you are not your problem; how can I help?”
4. Chin up. Be grateful. It must be a lesson.
THANK YOU OBI-WON. But no thank you. Seriously. Whether you are Eeyore and the voice of sadness sings like a siren to your sailor, or you wake up with pig tails and pom poms ready to slam your Kale smoothie and greet the team, you are allowed to have shitty feelings. They don’t cancel out your appreciation for the good things. They aren’t you being “negative” (Some us do have what we call negative coping, some of us catastrophize, but that doesn’t make our feelings invalid).
And if you are dealing with a loved one with unhealthy patterns who is constantly on the offense, the healthy ask is along the lines of “I don’t know how to help with this, perhaps some outside support would be a good idea”.
Last but not least, this one’s for all of you who aren’t in a romantic relationship, either by choice or circumstance who can’t bear being seated at the ‘singles table’ or told with patronizing distress…
5. Don’t worry you’ll find someone.
This does not make a single, ‘single person’ (who might be happy being single) feel supported or empowered. It is more likely to make them feel pitied, identified as rejected, or flawed, or lesser in some way. Especially if they aren’t asking for help. Language that is helpful for the truly help seeking (you’ll know them because they will say things to you like “I am so sad, frustrated, tired, etc. of being single what do I do”):
It can be so frustrating when you feel you don’t have control over something so important to you.
I think that you are absolutely capable of creating wonderful thriving relationship.
I truly want for you to have the partnership you desire and I am here to support you however I can.
I see so much good in you.
Sometimes it isn’t easy finding the right relationship opportunity. I am proud of you for not giving up. Or I hope you don’t give up.
Often when someone is struggling with feelings of loneliness associated with single life painful ideas creep in like they will always be alone, what’s wrong with them. Remember that scene in When Harry met Sally, with Meg Ryan crying into 500 tissues when her ex didn’t want to marry HER? I am not suggesting you sleep with your grieving friend as an act of support, lol. But a contrary voice to the one in their head can go a long way to reassuring.
The COMMON DENOMINATOR in all of these communication faux pas is that they wag a finger, blame the person who is seeking help and support.
The last thing we ever want to feel or hear when we are struggling, from those who are supposed to love and care is “It’s your fault”. Because even when we are our own worst enemies, blame and shame just lock in that pain.
We all feel like we’re sinking sometimes; once in a while when something hard hits or ten times a day while the shit flies like that asteroids video game from my teens.
Next time a loved one is struggling and we feel that panic start to rise, let’s get on the same side. Throw a rope, lend an ear. Show some love. Resist the temptation to dodge their hurt with dodgy blamey clichés. So the hurt monster gets a little bit smaller, easier to laugh at, and we all end up on the right side of history.
Much love,
— Erin
P.S. If you have a friend or loved one who is struggling sometimes a few sessions of support can make all the difference. Reach out and we’ll find the solution that is right for them.
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