This week one of you lovelies had a big ass relationship decision to make. Our discussion started with a very frenetic paced defense of your thesis that it was not in fact a sign of rapid mental decompensation that a. you had been looking at real estate for you and your new beau in the first place (you always look at real estate, it’s a fun game, you loooove real estate so much), but also b. that a wonderful magical perfect-ish place had popped into your inbox and now a discussion was actually taking place about the possibility of buying it and then moving there together, like with both of your tooth brushes in the same bathroom and say even sleeping there at the same time, always, ad infinitum-ish, forever. You were blushing like a school girl and swinging wildly on the pendulum of what EVERYONE would think —although it turned out after some review to be a very small everyone — amounting to one person who was probably not even going to be concerned but was really just mirroring an itsy bitsy judgment against yourself for not being practical or wise or staid or reserved and waiting a respectable amount of time like the Victorian ladies with cookies and afternoon tea and a solid year of dating under your belt before taking a step.
Why would you judge yourself do you think? Was it because of your long history of reckless and impulsive decision making? Those mornings in Vegas with the tattoos in questionable places, the zoo animals? No that wasn’t it. Did you have a gut feeling you were ignoring, a closet full of red flags that cascaded to the floor when you went searching for that denim jacket saying this looks good on paper but I’m settling, or I really want this to be true so I am glossing over all the things that are wrong, sweeping them under rugs, visualizing the wedding bells and squeezing my eyes tight when I imagine all those years together with their annoying habit of leaving crumbs on the counter and oh, say, only ever thinking of themselves. Okay that wasn’t it either, but I had you sweating a little didn’t I? Or was it that deep down a little tiny part of yourself still blamed you for not getting it right the last time…for not paying close and loving attention to herself, for not having the tools to fix it, for the inevitable heart break of someone else’s choices? And then that little bit of blame cast a terrifying fear shadow on this next decision for you pressuring you to be less foolish, to know more, to be perfect and all seeing. You already solved for loving yourself more tenderly. You already solved for awareness. You already solved for new tools. But sadly, judgment is an insatiable bastard and nothing you can do for him is enough. So what is your safest bet? Well it’s to be safe, because in spite of my Vegas jokes you excel at safe, and practical, and reasoned, and reserved. You get paid a lot to be all of those things very successfully. What’s the harm then in forcing that agenda on yourself for hey your relationship decision making?
Well I am here to tell you what it is. Firstly, when you make decisions under duress, in this case the pressure of your own self blame and it’s concomitant fear, you punish yourself for the past. Your inner emotional self suffers and if you do it often enough or around things that really matter to you their needs get ignored and they become (little you becomes) likely to rebel, to get impulsive and make shittier decisions down the road, along with feeling shittier along the way.
When you make decisions out of fear you make it really hard to make the next decision, or to see clearly ever. No one likes to be damned if they do or don’t. To fear the inevitable judgment that will rain down on them if they don’t get the perfect outcome, the feeling of responsibility for a thousand variables they cannot control. Even when an outcome goes perfectly it doesn’t feel good because a process that rewards you for variables out of your control does not make you feel peace or TRUST yourself. So there’s that.
And finally, when you make a decision from fear, say in this case you do shut down joy in favour of practicality, or better said the IDEA of practicality according to someone aka your inner tea granny, you don’t allow for healthy risk and therefore you don’t allow for growth. You have to ask yourself; what are all of the wonderful, healthy, relationship building opportunities that come with sharing a home? A fresh new start together; a shared space to create as a couple; an equal playing field for meeting the needs of everyone in the new family unit; creativity and adventure and excitement. And what does all of that giving and investing and caring attention add up to? How much does it give to and support the health of the relationship? *CLUE* in this case, A LOT. A better question than is it practical is does it water the relationship garden? If your plants are only seeds, then too much water too soon might be too much. The answer was in the question. But as long as you have some solid established growth then nurturing the growth rather than withholding nourishment is the right direction.
Your relationship health is the sum total of ALL that you put into it. Loving thoughtful risk and vulnerability, emotional investment, sharing, communication, asking, connecting. I have a list. It doesn’t hang in the balance of one decision, even if it’s a milestone decision. Better to make that decision part of a loving process than give it the ruinous power of an ice princess who can’t control her magic. Let it go already.
Which brings me to my handy 5 question guide, guaranteed to move your decision making process away from fear and toward good meaningful choices you can feel confident in. And if this doesn’t do the trick you can always call me up. Hell I’ll even help you pick out your new place, you know the one with the wine cellar and the glorious pool and the chaise lounge with Erin embroidered in the cushion. We’re friends after all.
THE FIVE QUESTION GUIDE FOR BIG RELATIONSHIP DECISIONS
1. Is it healthy?
Signs you are making a decision from an unhealthy place:
You are motivated by fear; fear of a bad outcome or fear of losing something good.
You are have a persistent feeling of dread about the outcome.
You are rushing or rebounding from recent trauma.
You are practicing ‘bad medicine’; creating a problem to solve an existing problem. Taking medicine to solve a condition caused by medicine for another condition.
You are feeling duress or distress; obligated, forced, damned if you do or don’t, trapped, don’t see a way out.
Signs you are making a healthy choice.
You are motivated by love.
You have a persistent feeling of joy or relief about the outcome.
You have taken time to think it through or talk it through.
Your choice offers meaningful resolution of a challenge or opportunity for growth.
You are feeling supported.
2. What would change if you said no?
It can be helpful to consider what life will look like If you say no to a next step in relationship, or a job, or any kind of change you are considering. This helps take the fear out of the equation. If you don’t move in with your partner well that probably doesn’t mean a break up, unless they are moving to say another continent. But it also may mean some good things get missed.
What would change if you said yes?
If your answer is growth, a better dynamic, a chance for you to experience bonding and intimacy as part of a family, new adventure, shared experience, the inevitable next stage of the relationship, well that is telling. If it’s stress and pressure and conflict, that is also telling.
3. Quick check for “do I really want this?”
How do you feel if you imagine saying no?
How do you feel if you imagine saying yes?
So many decisions become crystal clear when we take a second to turn off our brains (and all of their judgments and IDEAS) and feel it out. Does one feel safe, joyful? Does one feel sad, disappointing, or bring relief?
4. What is the risk if you say yes?
(Herein lies the key) The fear is not the same as the risk. The fear is that you will judge yourself as foolish if things do not go as planned or perfectly depending on how hard you are on yourself. This can change! The RISK is that things will not go as planned. And yet is it is important to ask yourself whether that risk is actually solved by saying no. Sometimes all of the control in the world cannot avoid painful outcomes.
What is the risk if you say no?
Remember that saying no to risk is not always practical, mature or safe or the healthy way to go. Saying no means sometimes you don’t take advantage of growth, joy, adventure and the list goes on.
5. What are your reasons for saying yes? AND What are your reasons for saying no?
Steer in the direction of the happy, loving, joyful investments and away from the fearful, judging, and restrictive. Happy reasons are good enough to be true.
Much love,
— Erin
P.S. If you have a friend or loved one who is struggling sometimes a few sessions of support can make all the difference. Reach out and we’ll find the solution that is right for them.
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