If you missed last week’s musing, we are rolling out the drive in movie series where we talk about all of the AMAZING illustrations of profound emotional truths in the artform of film, and maybe even TV and maybe even song! If you work privately with me this may not be your first movie homework. Last week’s FEATURE FILM was Good Will Hunting, which many of us have seen because it’s a helluva fun movie.
To recap, Good Will is a math genius who has kept his mad skills on the super DL because he is conflicted about being smart. Okay I am simplifying. Will works at a college as a janitor and in college off hours he solves unsolvable problems on the blackboard to the mystification of professors cruising in for their day of edifying the masses.
I mean it’s SUPER FUN to witness the hush and awe as students file in to find their professors one upped by his intelligence. It’s like an antidote to condescending authority everywhere. But fast forward and Will gets himself into a fight because he has all of this suppressed rage on account of his upbringing which is no doubt why he hides his genius in the first place.
Which leads to the court appointed counselling!!! Cue Robin Williams who was brilliant at this role, if you ask me. Will has a history of outsmarting the system, shrinks included, and spends his first few sessions with Robin belligerently undermining the therapeutic process. But that Robin, he is a freaking clever one, and he takes a shining to Will, and he knows how to get under his skin in the healing fix your shit kind of way.
So ONE FINE DAY, Will arrives at his appointment. It’s fair to say some trust has been built by now. BUT THEN… Robin plays his trump card. He opens up Will’s file. It’s a paper file, replete with pictures. The pictures reveal bruises and cigarette burns. Robbie makes a sweeping gesture with his hand to ‘the file’. You know this is not your fault. Yeah I know says Will. Of course he knows. It’s not his first rodeo. He’s been working the system for years. Also, he is no effin dummy. Intellectually he knows his abusive stepfather BURNING HIS ARM WITH A CIGARETTE and otherwise PUNCHING HIM REPEATEDLY is not his fault. Because when you are a KID or even a teen aged KID, you don’t deserve aggression, pain, attack, abuse regardless of your behaviour. You are supposed to be taken care of, supported, helped. If you are acting out, someone is supposed to ask WHAT IS WRONG, not deck you or light your skin on fire. Will knows this. In his actual smarty pants brain.
BUT AYE THERE’S THE RUB!!!
His brain is not where it’s all going wrong.
Intellectually he knows better but EMOTIONALLY HE DOES NOT!
Robbie repeats his previous statement.
Yeah what happened here was not your fault.
I know, says Matt, nodding his rehearsed nod.
This here, he gestures once more, it’s not your fault.
Yeah I know Matt says.
It’s not your fault. Robbie moves in closer.
Matt’s eyes widen. I know.
It’s not your fault.
Now Matt is getting agitated.
Don’t fuck with me. Are you fucking with me? I KNOW.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
And he breaks down. Cries little boy sobs into Robbie’s arms.
And we know why, don’t we Friend?
Because while Will may know intellectually that the bad awful things that have happened to him were not his fault, he didn’t really know, you know? Not emotionally. Emotionally he internalized the shame of the man who hurt him. Which is what we do, as children, or humans. When we are hurt, when we suffer trauma our scared emotional self says, It’s me. Something is wrong with me. I am bad and I am being punished. And we feel shame and our shame locks in our misplaced guilt.
Damn what a racket.
There is a tough smart Will Hunting in all of us.
Deflecting concern. Raging against a hurt we cannot understand. Keeping us small.
BUT with consistent love and patience, with a willingness (no pun intended) to answer that hurt within, to override the fear and resolve the guilt we too can break free, do amazing things, FIND LOVE even.
You can’t outsmart pain.
So stop fighting yourself.
You can’t win.
It’s time to be vulnerable already.
And get yourself a really funny therapist or coach.
We all want to watch you solve the equation.
How do you like them apples?
This week’s Drive In Movie Feature; “Call Me by Your Name” will take us to beautiful Italy.
I’ll butter the popcorn you cork the wine.
Much love,
— Erin
P.S. 2021 I am bringing on the love. I’ll be featured in a podcast all about better loving, from healing your broken heart to intentional dating to creating a relationship that thrives, and I’ll be launching a sister site for all of you relationship and love enthusiasts, with all kinds of insights and offerings. Stay tuned!
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