You may have heard me once or twice talking about what I call snapping a zee culture, this whole movie endorsed phenomenon where some poor love-soaked sap is getting schooled for putting up with stinky rotten garbage behaviour from their love interest. Maybe they are getting crumbs of attention while they hang onto their phone, poring over texts, miserable most of the time and then giddy when a small spark of acknowledgment comes their way. Maybe they run like Bambi at their honey’s beck and call, dropping everything and everyone until the next time they are dropped. Or they are overly accommodating like Kate Winslet’s character in the Holiday, a one way adoration fest doing actual work for some cringe inducing smarmbag, saving their day, making them look shiny while they turn on the charm and then mercilessly announce an engagement to someone hotter and younger. Okay I know no one is hotter than Kate but you catch me. Maybe it’s a bad habit of dating married people, or hanging on to one married person who’s never going to leave their spouse, living on soggy leftovers of time and attention. Maybe it’s someone who does all the work, puts in all of the effort, pays all the bills. At some point in the films the friends start their campaign of Girl, Bro, Buddy, you need to get some self respect. Shampoo press that jerk out of your hair.
You know the vibe. And the tone.
That’s where the seed is planted.
And from this tiny seed, has grown a tiny weed that has grown into a wild thistle that has been milked into a POISON.
And that poison is being bottled up and sold to you like it’s the elixir of life!!!
The message of the poison, the delirium induced LIE it tells us is this:
Someone else’s behaviour, misbehaviour, challenges, confusion, differences, communication, lack of communication, interest, negotiating, approach, process, baggage, history, motivation, and our engagement with it is a measure of how we value ourselves.
You’ve heard it.
It’s time to stop tolerating shit and start valuing yourselves.
We can teach you to stop engaging with low value people and start valuing yourself.
Ten things that women who value their self-worth do differently.
Why low self value keeps you dating losers.
It’s the message in so many dating and relationship support platforms everywhere.
How I learned to value myself and say no.
How I learned to value myself and have boundaries.
How to grow a pair for the low price of $9.99.
Why is this wrong Erin? Shouldn’t we value ourselves? Isn’t that what is wrong with so many of us when it comes to dating and relationship —we put up with things we should never put up with?
Well let me break it to you, my controversial view.
NO.
Your heart ache is not a result of your failure to value yourself.
Growing a pair is funny and satisfying in the movies, but it isn’t the yellow brick road to marital bliss.
The problem with all of this line of –did I mention—poisonous thinking, is that when we are struggling in any kind of dating or relationship dynamic, the last thing we need and what is NEVER going to get us to a point of clarity, is being told that we don’t value ourselves.
Because it’s a judgment.
It’s a ‘holier than thou’.
It’s a kick you when you’re down.
Being judged at all is not going to help us. Being judged when we are down and out, struggling, scared is not going to help us.
It’s only going to exacerbate our sense of confusion and shame.
It’s going to make us feel worse about ourselves.
What is the subtext of this message?
It’s you.
You’re the problem.
You aren’t doing it right.
You are shameful.
You don’t respect yourself.
Ya, you don’t value yourself.
You are a doormat.
You are weak.
You are a FOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Ugh.
And yet here is the very shocking truth.
You can’t get a relationship off the ground, you can’t get past what I call the first trimester, you can’t build something with a strong foundation without being and feeling vulnerable, and not having all of the answers and feeling on some days that you aren’t getting what you deserve.
If you are constantly pounded by the IDEA, every time you take a step forward that how someone does or doesn’t show up and everything in between is red flagging your lack of value, you’re in for a lot of pain and you’re going be throwing a lot of babies out with the bathwater.
How can you leave room for differences, for challenges, for unique histories or communication styles if whenever you feel vulnerable and oh YOU ARE GONNA, a warning siren goes off blaring the message that you are a weeping pathetic pile of desperate mush.
You’re gonna put up walls.
You’re gonna judge with the judgers.
You’re going to be on the defense and the attack.
And YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER SO UNECESSARILY.
I DON’T WANT THIS FOR YOU.
People aren’t perfect.
And they aren’t always going to sweep you off your feet.
FIRSTLY, THERE IS A REALLY GOOD CHANCE THAT SOMEONE ELSE’S BEHAVIOUR ISN’T YOUR FAILURE.
EVEN IF THEY ARE THE SLIMIEST OF SLIMEBALLS AND THE SMARMIEST OF SMARMBAGS AND YOU ARE DOE EYED AND STAR STRUCK, POINTING THE FINGER AT YOU IS NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY GIVE YOU THE TOOLS AND INSIGHTS TO CREATE A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE FOR YOURSELF.
Nope. It’s going to teach you to REACT, not to look at what is going on but to make decisions so as to not feel ashamed of your foolishness.
Now you’re just having a shit relationship with your friend, or your culture, or the media or the world of ideas and judgments.
You might as well be dating them.
There is no meaningful progress in that.
It’s a red herring and a hundred steps back.
It TEACHES you how to impress the invisible judge with your fierce superpower to deflect fuckery.
Or the illusion of fuckery.
Which is great if you wanna win the Ice King or Queen competition.
It has nothing to do with learning to create a healthy relationship.
BREAKING NEWS!
We don’t glide effortlessly to the altar of a strong relationship.
Relationships are made, not born.
There are going to moments of confusion, hurt, miscommunication, questioning, and actually NEEDING things from the other person as well as being needed.
That is okay.
There is no perfect way to do it, and I can assure you that it’s a process.
We don’t get to flip a switch.
If we’re going to do it right and do it well, we are going to need some insight.
To work through these moments.
To feel things.
We are going to need patience and acceptance.
To build bridges.
That is what it’s all about.
There are tools for this. There are less painful ways.
But you know what we can’t do?
We can’t sit on our throne yelling off with their head whenever we feel slighted or overlooked, or simply pre-emptively.
And big fat poisonous judgment urges us to do just that.
Sigh.
It’s okay if they didn’t text you back or make you a priority in your mind.
SHOCKING, I know.
It’s not okay to sweep it under the rug.
But you know what is not going give you the tools to sort it out, to REALIZE THE BEST POTENTIAL of this lovely spark you have with this person you like for some good reason (I’m sure you have one)?
Being shamed.
Into copping an attitude, toward them or toward yourself.
I have seen many many beloveds through their pain points.
So many relationships get their wings.
So much more is solvable than we give ourselves credit for with some support and tools.
EVEN EVEN EVEN if you’ve been dragged along and around by someone who isn’t showing up for you. That sucks and it hurts, and you’re probably going to need some TLC to help you along.
Maybe you have some ninja skills at dealing with toxic behaviour because you grew up around it and it looks normal to you.
Maybe you’re scared to be alone.
Maybe you see someone’s potential even if they are not living up to it, with you.
Maybe you had to win your mom or dad’s love and you are still fighting for it with crushes you have to chase.
Whatever it is that has you waiting and hoping but not speaking up you’re going to need some compassion for that.
Not a bully who comes in like a wrecking ball telling you that you don’t respect yourself.
And that is what this value conversation has turned into.
Kinda like toxic positivity.
Toxic valuation.
Value junkies!
WEHEHELL. NOT ON MY WATCH!
NOT what I am here to teach you.
I have a radically different idea.
What if instead of putting all of your focus into being tougher, and not putting up with shit which will leave you in a never ending mire of mistrust and negotiating with what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, INSTEAD we work on building you up and healing your wounds and undoing your patterns so that you actually feel SAFE within yourself.
So that you can afford to invest and take risks and experience uncertainty without feeling knocked off your center, or defined by someone else’s sticky points. So that you can be an ally to yourself and to them? So that if and when you kick ‘em to the proverbial curb you do it lovingly, based on what is healthy for you and with the knowledge in your heart, bones, soul and other cliches that you gave your best you, you honoured that spark, that connection, the adorable way they toss their hair, AND the whole time you didn’t have to feel unglued and messy because you weren’t being interviewed by the superior dating society for their hall of fame. No there isn’t one.
It’s called emotional safety.
Also, here is a super important factoid to keep in mind.
No one who is not you, who doesn’t have their heart and loins and crush factor in your game is going to get it. They can’t get it. Even if they’ve been through it, they won’t GET IT. They don’t see what you see or feel what you feel. Their view is bereft of love magic.
Anything short of Hey I respect you as a grown ass human to make your own amazing decisions or a compassionate I know it can be hard how can I help is not gonna pass muster.
Unsubscribe from the interrogation already.
Stop damning yourself for liking someone even though they may not have cured world hunger in your name or saved a kitten from a burning tree to impress you.
I have faith that we can figure it out together.
You don’t need to prove your value to me.
I’ve been hooked on you for a while.
Much love,
— Erin
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