Last time Dear Reader we talked about the radical idea that there are things we need from ourselves, things we need from our romantic partner, and things our romantic relationship needs and why it’s important to know the difference between the three. If I am dating you it won’t work if I expect you to solve for my self esteem issues, or my jealousy issues, or my late night battles with chocolate cake (can you guess which one of these applies to me? *licks frosting off fork). If I am running a narrative that I am not pretty enough you can deliver me Robert Barret Browning himself likening me to a summer’s day in sonnet and I’ll be like, are you sure, but just how summery are we talking, like if she’s a 75 degree with a bit of wind chill am I an 80, or like a 98 without a cloud in the sky? And can you prove it please and then tell me all over again in a few hours when that look on your face as a random stranger passes by convinces me you didn’t really mean it, and so on, and so on.
It’s my job to fix that shit, to be sure, but more than that you simply can’t. I need validation from myself that I am pretty enough. I need to fill that hole with something other than cake, or more than just cake because everyone needs cake, right?
Once you and I have a thriving relationship –I love you and you love me and you think I’m gorgeous and you want to marry me #misscongeniality, our relationship is not just good forever. We can’t just not take care of it. We need to spend time fostering our romantic connection. We need date nights. We need to honour it, nourish it, not shove it in a drawer while we put all of our time and attention into work and family, the massive to do list and the million other hats we wear as partners, crossing our fingers that somehow it will sustain us through all of that without ever getting water or seeing the light of day. It doesn’t take a lot to keep the romance alive, but we’ve go to sprinkle a little pixie dust now and again.
Which leaves that other category. Things we need from one another! Actual needs from our relationship. We are going to dig into this area today because it is where a lot of confusion takes place for you lovelies and THINGS seem to go off the rails with impressive intensity.
I have broken it down into four basic principles that will keep your love train on track.
- Yes you are allowed to need things from your relationship.
In fact you are supposed to!
We enter into romantic relationship in order to step up our lives. Or at least that is the general idea. We get that crazy love drug, the one that makes us high on our beloved and high on life. Everybody wants the love drug, come on! Okay not everybody, but it’s a thing.
And it leads to many other things. Someone to eat toast with, someone to make decisions with, someone to cheer for and be cheered by. For the full list of why most of us partner and what is on the partnership negotiation table check out Need Versus Needy -A guide to understanding needs in a relationship.
All of this adding and expanding and growing generates wonderful goodness, and it generates need. That is okay. It means we aren’t just addressing our basic survival in life, we are endeavouring to fully realize our potential for fulfillment and happiness. A bit of a make work project, but in the spirit of making life worth living and all that jazz. It also means that now I need the things I signed up for, so do you, but we may have different ideas of what those should look like, how they should feel, and how to make them happen because (wait for it) WE ARE DIFFERENT.
Which brings me to principle two.
- It’s okay to need different things from your relationship than your partner.
At a macro level, from an Eagle eye view if you will, we all need support, and sharing, and companionship and sex and so on. But how many days eating toast together equals marital bliss may differ for you and I, and what if your love language is a hand on my back while mine is a two carrot diamond in my champagne glass? The chances of landing a mythical creature who sees it all exactly as you do and feels exactly as you do is next to zero, and if you land one please consider that you may just have a people pleaser or be letting your love-high tempt you to sweep your differences under the rug for a few months until the clock chimes time to bite you in the ass. Expect differences, embrace differences.
- It’s okay that your partner doesn’t automatically understand what you need from the relationship.
Here is where most of us get into trouble!!! When our partner does not meet our expectations, or line up with our ideas of how love should be expressed we feel fear, and when we feel fear we are tempted whip out our manual of 1001 Reasons You Are A Jerk and its sister volume 1002 Reasons You Obviously Don’t Care About Me, and finally the third of the trilogy 9GAZILLIONAND99 Ways I Will Show You Who’s Boss and Not Let You Make a Fool of Me. Ugh.
We really really want to attach meaning to all the shitty feeling disconnects that go down when we are relationship building aka dating. You’re controlling. You don’t care. You are too rigid, too easy going, too ambitious, too soft, too hard. Because then we can feel in control! We can call you out, snap a zee, run away, call a friend, find someone harder or softer, BLAH BLAH BLAH. But really it’s just like that scene in Monsters Inc when the human and monster collide for the first time and both of them scream.
As soon as we veer into judgment that good old defense mechanism, we miss the opportunity to build bridges, to deepen our connection, to truly be understood and supported. If we can leave the book of judgment on the shelf (it’s not going anywhere if you want to pick it up later) and instead share, and ask, step into a place of vulnerability with our beloved we allow magic in. Instead of deciding that you don’t care because you didn’t ask me to celebrate your birthday, or to watch your daughter’s piano recital, or eat toast with me on Monday, I can try “Hey you may not know this about me but I love being included in celebrations.” Yes it is easy to say they should know and it means something that they don’t and maybe it does. But often it doesn’t. And when we get brave and start asking and building wonderful magic can happen.
- Helping your partner understand your needs is like building a bridge across differences in history and perception.
Let me illustrate with a story. It’s circa ‘my kids are little little’ and it’s summer holidays in my mom’s beach town and I am out for a run. I really need this run. I need it because I am going to spend the entire day until sundown making life a wonderland for my wee ones replete with buckets and shovels and sunscreen and snacks and conflicting naptimes and different personalities. I am going to dig holes and pretend they are tunnels to exotic lands. I am going to be a mermaid with a cool mermaid name all beautiful and mysterious. I am going to negotiate fears of seaweed, whining, coolers, towels and a thousand trips to bathroom and car. It’s going to be so much FUN! 8 hours of pure non-stop fun, because I am the maker of fun; amusement parks, crafts, storytelling, picnics, festivals, petting zoos. And my RUN, my daily zen, talk with “God”, endorphins, pain relief, ADD meds, portal to oneness, nature worship, and preventative medicine, is how I do it all. How does she do it? They would all ask. And that would be the answer. Sneakers and sweat.
So I am on my run and I can remember it so vividly, how badly I need it for my sanity, for the kind of mom I am going to be all day. I am just hitting that 20 minute mark when the endorphins kick in. I am on a stretch of highway my heels grinding gravel into dirt with a steady rhythm, the world is blurring into heat and grit and promise when I hear it. The approach of a car and then the little cries. Mama!!!!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooohoooooooo.It’s a silent scream in my chest.
Yes Friend. Up drove the car, stalking me drug lord style, the window opening as they slowed to my pace to reveal one husband and two small girls. Get in.
There had been an argument. One wanted something. One cried about something. 15 minutes into my mom time it seemed reasonable that he should not have to manage this level of grating conflict alone. It seemed reasonable to just expect me to get in the car and solve it. After all, he did not like running. Why would I put everyone through my absence for something that would never sound appealing to him?
I know. It’s easy to say JERK! Or Selfish! Or typical man. You can’t even give her an hour.
But you know what, it never happened again. NEVER.
In fact, after that day he became the champion of my need to run. Every day. No matter what plans we had or who woke up when.
He rejoiced in supporting me in getting the one thing that would sustain me, and give me all of those mommy super powers that helped our family thrive. Those hours and hours of entertaining that was not his strong suit, and that I loved but needed my run to manage.
And that was just the beginning. Because after we had the conversation where I threw out judgment and shared from a place of vulnerability how big of a deal it was for me, the most important thing I would ask for and more important than sleep TO ME, he felt like a million bucks helping me make it happen. No I did not break any fingers.
He felt and saw the rewards.
I was sooooo grateful I went above and beyond.
I did the same for him.
And then it became a wonderful game of how can we champion each other’s needs in the relationship and in the world around us.
And that became a foundation of our family.
So YES, there was absolute and utter panic.
And some moments where I thought. I can’t do this. I might have to kill you. How could you. Goodbye I’m off to ITLEE send the kids my love.
But I didn’t act on those thoughts.
I didn’t bury it.
I shared. I built a bridge. And he met me half way.
There is no guarantee, but it’s the place to start.
It’s amazing how well two people who care about each other can outsmart judgment and get on top of building each other up with some willingness to collaborate.
I want to figure this shit out with you gets you a lot farther than Would you mind being perfect already?
Much love,
— Erin
P.S. If you have a friend or loved one who is struggling sometimes a few sessions of support can make all the difference. Reach out and we’ll find the solution that is right for them.
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